3 Tips For Managing Expectations In Motherhood

Motherhood is hard. Something that makes motherhood even harder is setting expectations for yourself that you constantly feel like you are not meeting. We often feel that we need to do it all and at the rate that we got it done when we were single without children. Another common expectation floating around in the mind of many mothers is “I think I should have it together by now and know what I’m doing” and feeling like you are the only who doesn't have it together. The reality is you will not have it all together all of the time and that is ok. No one does. 

​It is important to constantly reality check our expectations in motherhood. Expecting myself to be as efficient, as productive or “together” as I once was b.k. “before kids” leaves me feeling like I’m failing. I have found that instead of being hard on myself for not living up to my own expectations, I take a step back and reflect on whether or not I’m demanding too much of myself. And then I adjust. Adjust what is on my plate to make it more manageable. Adjust my thought process around what it means to be productive and efficient as a working mom with two children. Adjusting expectations does not mean lowering your standards or that you give up on trying to do what matters to you. It means you release yourself of the pressure to keep up a pace that does not serve you well. 

Too often I hear new mamas guilt and shame themselves for not getting everything on their to-do list checked off. Sleep deprived, nursing around the clock, and perhaps suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety, often with little practical or emotional support and still expecting to get it all done.

Too often I hear mamas of more than one child, shame themselves because they haven't figured it out yet. To the mamas on your second, third or fourth child, I am in awe of you. Maybe you think you should know what to do by now because it’s not your first time. Maybe your family thinks you should have this parenting thing down to a science. Maybe your partner is giving you some confused looks over why you are feeling overwhelmed. Sure, some things are easier. However, other things just became a lot more difficult. This is the first time you are dealing with children in different developmental stages with different needs simultaneously. You have more to juggle. You can no longer nap when baby naps because you’re too busy making sure your 2 and 4 yr old don't strangle each other. You need more help than ever before. Do not apologize for that.
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Consider that you aren’t failing but your set of circumstances which includes raising a tiny human have changed and are reason enough to cut yourself some slack.

 Here are some tips for managing these expectations and reducing stress in your day-to-day

1. Shorten the to-do list. Throw it away if you want to. Delegate. Ask for help. If you find yourself consistently feeling bad at the end of the day because you didn’t get everything done as planned, something has to change and it is not you. It is an easier fix to set realistic expectations around what can be done in a given day and adjust accordingly. Schedules and to do lists are often derailed by unpredictable situations. Your baby might be especially fussy that day, you wake up feeling sick, something breaks down in the house, or you run out of something and realize you need to make that trip to the store. Set yourself up for success by picking one or two things that you want to prioritize doing for the day and then add in a couple more that you would love to get done but won’t be upset if you don’t get around to doing them. The truth is our to-do lists in motherhood never end. There is always something you could be doing but that does not mean you always have to be doing something. 
2. Set an intention for what type of day you want to have. Is today going to be playful? Organized? A day of rest? Is today going to be the day you take your kids out to the park and nurture your connection with each other? Maybe the house has been disorganized and a mess, so your focus will be a little more on cleaning up and your children will play more independently today. Have you been feeling more irritable, on edge and burnt out? Today should be the day you need a little more self care and time alone so you will lean on your support system for a little extra help and you will leave the housework for tomorrow. See a trend here? Focusing on one or two areas of our life a little more means another area might not get as much attention. That is ok. Make that area the focus of tomorrow to balance things out. Scaling back does not mean you do not care or are neglectful. It means you are taking care of yourself and setting limits.  
3. Recognize the small things. Train your eye to pay attention to all of the ways you are mothering, caring for your children, contributing to your household, caring for your partner and caring for yourself. The smallest of gestures and tasks often go unnoticed. If you really tally up all of the ways in which you are slaying this mama thing, you will realize that you have been dismissing a lot of your work and time. A study conducted by Welch's found that the average mother has a 14 hour "work" day which adds up to a 98 hour work week. That is more than two full time jobs. I am sure that you are not getting credit for all of that nor are you giving yourself the credit you deserve for all that you do. Start now. ​

Before having kids we envision what kind of parent we will be and how we are going to manage things. Give yourself permission to let go of those ideals now that you are living it. Accept that things are harder than you thought they would be. You are not weak. You are a capable and strong mother. The worst competition you can be in is with the version of the mama you idealized you would be prior to having children. Let her go. You're pretty amazing without her shadow dimming your light. 

Any tips for how you manage your day-to-day? Comment below!